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A COLLECTION OF JOKES   BUMPER STICKERS THE CHICKEN, THE WORLD ... NAUGHTY NUNS SPORTS BLOND JOKES BLOND ONE-LINERS SEX GAMBLING NUDITY GETTING OLDER ANIMALS & THE FARM POLITICS DRINKING & DRUNKS WOMEN COMPUTERS AND TECHNICAL LAWYERS PROFESSIONS

DISCLAIMER: These jokes are presented for your amusement. Some subjects may be deemed offensive by some people. If you think you may be offended do not continue, simply back out of this page. Adult situations are included. Otherwise, have a good belly-laugh! If you have a good joke you think should be included, please send it to me and I may put it on this page!       SEND ME YOUR JOKE!

BUMPER STICKERS EXTREME BUMPER STICKERS God is my copilot, but the Devil is my bombardier. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way. Keep honking while I reload. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G? EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later. Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American! Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy. BUMPER SNICKERS I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute! Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. My kid had sex with your honor student. Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later. How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks! Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're a jerk. I'm just driving this way to piss you off. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. God must love stupid people, he made so many. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

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THE CHICKEN, THE WORLD WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from decent, hardworking Americans. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out. RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens. DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road But why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. If someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, that was good enough for us. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on the chicken. RONALD REAGAN: What chicken? CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released Chicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book, and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system. EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I DID NOT cross the road with THAT chicken.

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NAUGHTY NUNS NAUGHTY NUNS A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. He asks the first nun. Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis? The nun giggles and replies "Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger" St. Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate. St. Peter asks the next nun the same question. Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis? The nun is a little reluctant but reply's "Well once I fondled and stroked one" St. Peter says OK, dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate. All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line. St. Peter says "Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush? The nun reply's "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!! NUN WHORES A man was driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was a figment of his imagination...drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which reads SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES. Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT. His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the side of the parking lots, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads: SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business"...he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disorientated. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door,"and leaves. The man does as he is told. This door is opened by another nun in a long black habit holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in the nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy. BEHIND Of course you have heard about the nun that was two monks behind on her period.

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SPORTS ICE FISHING A man becomes interested in Ice Fishing. He gathers all the necessary equipment and goes down to the ice. He begins drilling a hole to fish through. Suddenly, he hears a booming voice from above, "There is no fish there!" He was amazed! He picked up all his gear and moved a ways down the ice. He began drilling a hole again when he hears, "There is no fish there!" He is astonished! He looks up and asks, "Are you God?" And the voice says, "No idiot, I am the Hockey rink manager! Get off the ice!" ADVICE The local golf pro told me how to shave over ten strokes off my golf game. He said, "Don't play the last hole!" FIRST HUNT The man's wife insists that he take her deer hunting the next time he goes. He tries to tell her all the things she need to know; how to aim, how to track the deer, all the do's and don'ts of hunting. When they get to the forest, he tells her, "Now sometimes you will shoot and some other hunter will claim the kill also. If this happens, just fire the rifle three times in the air and I will come help you!" They part and go separate ways tracking the deer. After a few hours, the husband hears a shot, and then three more shots. He thinks, "Oh great, we have a dispute already." He runs toward the shots and comes upon his wife and another man standing in the forest. The wife begins, "Dear, this man is claiming my kill. Do something about it!" The other man explains, "Look, I don't want any trouble. Just tell her all I want is my saddle back!" HONORABLE GOLFER Two men are unloading their golf clubs from their cars in the parking lot when a funeral procession appears in the street in front of them. One of the golfers takes off his hat and stands in reverence until the procession passes. His friend says, "Wow, that was touching. I didn't know you felt that way about funerals!" The guy says, "Well, another three months and we would have been married for 38 years!" GOOD BALLS I went golfing today and only hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake!     HUNTING EMERGENCY Psychologist Dr. Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire, England through The LaughLab Research has determined this joke the "Worlds' Funniest Joke"! Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

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BLOND JOKES CONTRACTOR A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!" The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"! This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?" The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street." HAIL STONES A blond woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a real bad hail storm The hail stones were as big as golf balls. Her car got dented up real bad. The next day she took it to a repair shop. The repair guy noticing that she was blond, decided to have some fun and told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard when she got home, and the dents would pop out. When she got home she started blowing into the tail pipe, and her blond girl friend saw her. Her friend was startled and said, "What are you doing?"... thinking the worst. She told her the repair guy told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would pop out. Her girl friend said "duhhhh...you need to roll up the windows first" BLOND TEST The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She took her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class was sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she said, "I am rechecking my answers." ALLIGATOR SHOES A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, bent on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" TWO RED EARS A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?" The blond responded, "Would you believe that idiot called back!" RIDING LESSON A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when... ...the horse runs out of quarters and turns off! THE TROOPER A state trooper pulls over a blonde on a lonely back road and says, "Ma'am, is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. So, I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. Then, I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" The officer reached through the side window to the rear view mirror, and explained, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener." THE BREASTSTROKE There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..." TOLERANCE A blonde was sitting all alone in a bar. A guy was watching her down several drinks. The drinks didn't seem to affect her at all. The guy went over to the blond and said, "I had always thought that men had a much higher tolerance for alcohol than women. How many drinks does it take to make you dizzy?" She frowned, gave the guy a dirty look, and said, "Oh, usually about four or five... and... Don't call me 'dizzy'!" K9 Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!" LOST KEYS A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, ''I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?" ''Why sure,'' said the manager, ''we have something that works especially well for that.'' A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. ''No, no! A little to the left,'' said the other blonde inside the car. DAY OFF A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns home at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

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BLOND ONE-LINERS BLOND ONE-LINERS What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop. Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First. Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland "Left", so they turned around and went home. What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common? You always hear about them but never see them. What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds. Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate. Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken. How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it. Why can't Blondes dial 911? They can't find the 11 on the phone! What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you? Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth! How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer? There is white-out all over the monitor. Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them. A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, where?" How do you drown a Blonde? Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool. Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head. How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear. Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night. What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!" How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her joke on Wednesday. What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket. What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar. SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT.... She thought a quarterback was a refund. She tripped over the cordless phone. At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put Sagittarius. If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. When she heard that 90% of all crimes were committed around the home, she moved. She thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company. She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. Under education on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics". She studied for a blood test and failed. She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center. It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes. She sold her car so she would have gas money. She had to leave her job at the pharmacy because she can't fit the prescription bottle in the typewriter.

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SEX PSYCHIATRIST A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children."You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go." DADDY, WHAT'S SEX? A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..." CONDOMS A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?". To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see.", replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday; one for Saturday; and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men.", the dad answers. "TWO for Friday; TWO for Saturday; and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January; one for February; one for . . . ." PSYCHOLOGY STUDENT A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?" DRIVER'S LICENSE A Mom is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite." "OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex." THE BUTLER A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the rest of the night off. She said they would return home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing deeply, the tension mounting between them. She looked at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!" THE SON-IN-LAW A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator."What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching the superbowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law." GRAVY LADLE John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal., his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she stated to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love John. Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom. GENIE Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter. "Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster." "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." "Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said. So the friend asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?" THE INDIAN An Indian was standing on the street corner. Whenever a pretty girl walked by, the Indian would hold up the palm of his hand in the traditional Indian greeting and say, "Chance.", to each of the girls. The girls would look at him strangely and walk on. This continued all day. A pretty girl would pass by and the indian would hold up his hand saying, "Chance." Finally, one girl, when greeted in this manner, asked the Indian, "Don't you Indians usually say 'HOW' when you greet someone this way?" And the Indian responded, "Me know how, just want chance!" POTENTIAL vs REALISM A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that chance!" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much stuff a million could buy?" The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag.... THE BAD DAY It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided to only accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...." THE GOOD SHOT A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off". The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!" THE COED A young coed at a major university was taking a sex education class. She was a beautiful young woman, with large breasts, long legs, and long blond hair. The instructor asked her to sketch a picture of the male genitalia on the blackboard. She was obviously embarrassed, but proceded to the board. She did a perfect rendering of a hugely erect organ. The instructor said, "That was very good. Now can you draw it the other way?" "... other way?", she asked. ALMOST CAUGHT Two guys were playing golf and the women in front of them were playing slowly. The first man says, "I'm going over there and ask if we can play through." The first man walks over to the women, but stops short and runs back. "Man, I almost got caught! One of those women was my wife and the other is my mistress!" The second man volunteers to go talk to the women. He gets almost up to them and runs back. "Small world, isn't it!" OLYMPIC CONDOMS The husband announced upon his arrival home that he had found a new brand of condoms. "They are Olympic condoms!", he said. "What makes them Olympic?", his wife asked. "Well, there are three colors: Gold, Silver, and Bronze!", he replied. "Oh!", she exclaimed, "What color were you thinking of wearing?" "I think I'll wear the Gold one.", the husband said. The wife thought for a minute and said, "Why don't you wear the Silver one. It would be nice if you came in second for a change!" THE STORK As the elderly grandmother led her two small granddaughters through the zoo, the Stork exhibit started her discussing the facts of life with her granddaughters. "See those Storks?", she asked, "The Stork is what brings you as babies to your Mommy and Daddy." The two little girls look at each other and one says quietly, "You would think, as old as she is, that she would know about sex!"

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GAMBLING WINNER A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery." The wife says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?" He says, "I don't care. Just get out." LUCKY A very attractive lady comes in to the craps tables at a casino and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless." With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The workers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

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NUDITY THE NUDIST A man in a nudist camp was walking around with a magnificent erection. Of course, this is frowned upon in nudist camps so the director decided to have a word with him. He went to the man and explained the regulations of conduct. The man said, "Oh, but this is how I tell time!" He turned to face North and studied his shadow. "I can tell that it is now 3:40 PM." The director looked at his watch and stated, "But it is 4:10 PM by my watch, and I set it this morning." Masturbating furiously, the man exclained, "Hold on, the danged thing's slow again!" THE ESCAPE Two men preparing to tee off at the golf course were startled by a beautiful nude woman running across the fairway. She was followed closely by two guys in white lab coats, one of them was carrying a bucket of sand. The golfers yelled at the two men in white coats, "Hey, what's going on?!" The man carrying the bucket of sand yelled back, "She is a nymphomaniac committed to the mental hospital. She escapes like this at least once a week and we interns have to bring her back!" One golfer askes, "Why are you carrying the bucket of sand?!" The intern yells back, "I caught her last time!"

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GETTING OLDER OLD MAN An old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing. A young man walks by, and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears, the old man answers, "I'm in love with a 22 year old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between sobs he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime, she comes home, and we make love again. Then, she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon, when she gets a break, she rushes home, and gives me oral sex. The best an old man could want. Then after dinner, we make love all night long." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around the old man. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The old man answers, "I forgot where I live." THE NEW HEARING AID Two old men were talking when one says, "I got this great new hearing aid the other day." The second old man says, "Are you wearing it now?" "Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars! It's top of the line.", the first man replies. "What kind is it?", the second man asks. The first man says, "Twelve-thirty." THE VACATION Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. One man says to the other, "We went on a great vacation last year!" The other man asks, "Where did you go?" The first old man says, "You're going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?" The second man replies, "You mean a rose?" "Yes, yes, that's it!", he exclaims as he calls ahead to his wife. "Rose. Hey, Rose. Where did we go on vacation last year?" THE FREEWAY An old woman called her husband who was driving on the freeway. The wife said, "I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the highway. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said the old man, "It's hundreds of them!" PET NAMES An older couple had some friends over for dinner. He always called his wife by pet names, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. While the wives were off in the kitchen the other old man said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." The old man said, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

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ANIMALS & THE FARM THE THREE LEGGED PIG A salesman was travelling the back roads when he saw a farmer with a three legged pig. He stopped and asked, "What's with the three legged pig?" The farmer replies, "This is no ordinary pig. This pig can add, subtract, multiply, and divide." The salesman, of course, expresses disbelief. The farmer procedes to demonstrate the pig's abilities. The pig added, subtracted, multiplied, and divided any numbers the salesman offered. The salesman was amazed but said, "That still doesn't explain why the pig only has three legs." The farmer said, "Oh, you don't eat a pig like this all at once!" THE FOUR LEGGED CHICKEN A salesman was travelling the back roads when he saw several chickens in the road ahead of him. As he drove closer, they all scatterred as chickens do. But they all bolted away at lightning speed. One even outpaced his car as he sped down the country lane. His curiosity aroused, he went back to the farmhouse and asked the farmer about the chickens. The farmer told him, "We bred these chickens with four legs so we would have extra drumsticks with each meal!" The salesman thought, "Well, that explains why they are so fast." He asked the farmer, "So, how do they taste?" And the farmer said, "Don't know, never caught one yet!" THE VENTRILOQUIST A traveling ventriloquist happened upon a farmer with his horse, his dog, and his sheep. He decided he would have some fun with this farmer. The ventriloquist walked up to the farmer and said, "I can make your animals talk!" The farmer thought this guy was crazy, but allowed him to try. The ventriloquist went up to the horse and asked, "How is this farmer treating you these days, horse?" The horse, through the ventriloquist, answered, "Well, he works me hard all day and puts me away without rubbing me down and scrimps on my feed!" The farmer was dumbfounded! "How did you get this horse to talk when he never talked to me?", the farmer asked. The ventriloquist replied, "I just asked him." The ventriloquist went next to the farmer's dog. The ventriloquist asked the dog, "How is your master treating you these days, dog?" The dog, through the ventriloquist, answered, "Well, he makes me chase these sheep all day and never gives me any water and makes me sleep out in the cold at night." The farmer was amazed! The ventriloquist next went up to the sheep. Suddenly, the farmer stops the ventriloquist in his tracks and says, "Don't believe that sheep, she lies!" THE SNAIL A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field. Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail looks up and says, "What was that all about?" THE CARD DOG A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance. "That is a very smart dog," the man commented. "He ain't so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail." THE FOUND PIG One sunny day, a man was walking down the street when a truck came flying by and hit a bump in the road. As the truck sped away a crate fell off. Excitedly the man ran over to see what was in the crate. The man opened the crate and was stunned to see a pig. The man didn't know what to do so he asked a police officer for some advice. The officer suggested that the man take the pig to the local petting zoo. A few days later while the police officer was directing traffic, he noticed this same man driving by in a car. The officer motioned to the man so he could find out if everything went well with his advice. The officer walked up to the car and was stunned to see sitting next to the man... the pig! The pig was sitting upright, with his seat belt on, wearing a baseball cap. In between them sat a six pack of beer and some popcorn. "Good afternoon officer!" the man said. The stunned officer asked the man, "I thought I told you to take that pig to the petting zoo!" The man replied, "Oh, I did, and we had so much fun, that, today we're going to the ballgame!" THE MAN'S DOG A man was watering his lawn one day when he looked and coming up the street were two hearse's followed by a man, his dog and a single file line of about 200 men. The guy watering his lawn thought this was rather odd and decided to ask the first guy (with the dog) what was going on. The guy said "that's my wife in the first hearse, my dog bit her and she died". The guy watering the lawn said, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that, what about the second hearse?". The other guy said "well thats my mother-in-law, my dog also bit her and she died." The guy with the lawn thinks for a minute and says, "... can I borrow your dog?". The guy with the dog responds, "Get to the back of the line!". THE RETIRING FARMER A retiring farmer needed to get rid of his animals. He decided to go to every house in his town and where the man is the boss, he would give a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, he would give a chicken. He got to the first house and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. "I am." said the man. "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?" The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one." "No, no, no, get the brown one," the man's wife said. "Here's your chicken," said the farmer.

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POLITICS THE HOT AIR BALLON A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be a republican," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man, "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, your presentation is direct, to the point with no fluff or BS, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The man below responded, "You must be a democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. "The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow it's my fault."

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DRINKING THE TOILET A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" The drunk says, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls. " With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!" THE BUM A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?" THE JUDGE A drunk was brought in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, GREAT, let's get started." PLASTIC? A scrungy-looking drunk was mumbling and studying something in his hand. The drinker next to him leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers adding, "But it feels like rubber." Curious, the guy says, "I am a chemist, what do you have there mister?" The drunk stammered, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." The chemist said, "Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it over. The chemist rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feels like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?" The drunk replied, "Outta my nose." DRIVING TO TOWN A drunk is driving home, and his car is weaving violently all over the road. He looks over at his drunken buddy and says, "I think we're gettin' closer to town." His buddy asks, "How can you tell?" The driver says, "We're hittin' more cars!" THE DOCTOR VISIT A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. "I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, I've got a sore behind, and I'm not sleeping. What is it, Doc?" The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I can't find anything wrong. It must be the drinking." "OK, I understand," replied the drunk. "I'll come back when you sober up."

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WOMEN THE SOCIALITE A homeless man aproached a wealthy looking lady for a handout. The homeless man begged, "Lady, I haven't had anything to eat for days!" As she entered the posh department store, she exclaimed, "That's amazing, I wish I had your willpower!" THE DINNER A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blond walked over to their table and exchanged warm greetings with the husband and walked off. "Who was that woman?" the wife demanded. "If you must know, that was my mistress!", he said. "Your mistress!? I want a divorce!", she shouted. "Are you sure you want to give up the big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, furs, jewelry and the vacations in Europe?", he asked. They continued dining in silence for a while. Finally, the wife asked, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who is he with?" "That's his mistress.", he replied. "Oh," said the wife, "our's is cuter!" THE PARACHUTE As the parachutist clawed frantically at his failed parachute, falling helplessly toward the Earth, he was met by a woman coming up! He yelled, "Do you know anything about parachutes?" "No!", she yelled, "Do you know anything about gas ovens?" IN THE MORNING A married couple were at the breakfast table. The wife had curlers in her hair, cold cream on her face, and was wearing a chin strap. The husband exclaimed, "I wish you would look like you did when we were first married!" The wife retorts, "I can't. I'm not pregnant!" THE DATE A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After a while a bum came up to her and said, "Hello darling, how's about us making out!" "How dare you," said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!" "Well then," said the bum, "what are you doing in my bed?" WOULD YOU REMARRY? A middle-aged couple was in bed about to fall asleep. Suddenly the wife asks, "If I should die first, will you remarry?" The husband responds, "Well, I would miss you but, I wouldn't like to spend the rest of my life alone." The wife asks, "Would you let her live here?" The husband says, "I guess so." The wife asks, "Would you let her sleep in this bed?" The husband says, "I guess so." The wife asks, "Would you let her wear my clothes?" The husband says, "I guess so." The wife asks, "Would you let her drive my car?" The husband says, "I guess so." The wife asks, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" The husband says, "No, she's left handed." THE SENTENCE A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me with jail or I had to marry you?", he responded. "Yes, of course," she replied. He sobs, "Well, I would have been released tonight." FOUR LETTER WORDS When a young couple got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother crying. "My new husband started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... Please mama!" Her mother said, "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful?" The new bride said, "Oh, mama... words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK!" THE DISAPPEARANCE A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she quickly replied. "Tell him... Mother didn't come after all." THE SCHOOL PLAY A little boy's dad picked him up from school. The little boy announced that he'd gotten a part in a school play. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." The dad replied, "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part." FALLOUT On a rural road a state trooper pulled a driver over and said, "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the husband replied, "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

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COMPUTERS AND TECHNICAL THE FROG A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for life." Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool!" THE DEMONSTRATION A company was demonstrating it's latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down. Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, "Format C: Return." Someone else yelled, "Yes, Return." The software worked perfectly and reformatted the hard drive! YOU ARE A COMPUTER GEEK IF ... 1. Your web page is more popular than you. 2. Your favorite sport is Tetris. 3. You know what fuzzy logic is. 4. You talk to your computer. 5. When given a choice, you look at Computer Shopper instead of Playboy. 6. You argue with your computer. 7. Your computer has its own phone line. 8. You have dreams involving your computer. 9. You try to pick up women on chat lines. 10. You can talk to a woman about your hardware and not mean anything sexual. 11. You spend Friday nights with your computer. 12. You ask a woman for her email address instead of her phone number. 13. You've never actually met many of your friends. 14. You remember how to use DOS. 15. You think Bill Gates is "a cool guy." 16. Only computer users can understand you. 17. Your resume is longer than the sports page. 18. You've ever installed Linux. 19. You've missed the X-Files because you wanted to play on your computer. 20. You always understand Dilbert. 21. You regularly drink Jolt cola. 22. You spend more time on the Internet than you do sleeping. 23. You have multiple email addresses. 24. You've ever setup a LAN in your house. 25. You understood the above statement. 26. You search the Internet for computer humor. 27. Your idea of hurrying is typing faster. 28. You keep spare mouse pads. 29. You buy your computer gifts. 30. You've ever been dumped for paying too much attention to your computer. 31. Someone mentions foreign language and you think "Cobol." 32. You regularly use a tape backup on files you have the original disks for. 33. You get a new computer, take it out of the box, and you immediately remove the case. 34. You have ever called home to check on your computer. 35. You do processes in DOS instead of Windows not because it is faster, but because it just confuses people. 36. You've ever considered getting a tattoo of the "Intel Inside" logo. 37. You have a pet name for your computer, but not one for your penis. 38. You know every law about computer piracy by heart, because you've been convicted on all of them. 39. You no longer interact with your family, you send them email instead; in the same house. 40. You check your email before you check your answering machine. 41. You can program Windows, but you still can't get your VCR to stop flashing. 42. You have more insurance on your computer than on your children. 43. You receive more chat requests than phone calls. 44. You stopped paying for call waiting because it kept knocking you off-line. 45. You don't immediately go into gibbering panic when you hear of a new computer virus. 46. You've ever emailed your assignment in to your professor. 47. You've ever tried to see how far you can move the mouse without turning off the screen saver. 48. You have dialed 911 and faxed them your problem. 49. You call in sick to work over your computer. 50. Your first aid kit contains Norton's Anti-Virus. 51. You know what the acronyms HTML, URL, ISP, and HTTP each stand for. 52. You tinker with computers at work all day, and when you finally get off work, you rush home to tinker with your computer. 53. You dedicate your home page to your favorite actress in hopes that she will see it and desire to meet you. 54. You have more than one home page. 55. The closest you ever come to having sex is downloading nude pictures off of the Internet. 56. You have a better computer system at home than at work. 57. You get jealous when other people use your computer. 58. You run back into your burning home to rescue your computer, but you leave the wife. 59. You know exactly how much hard drive space you have free, but you don't know your spouse's birthday. 60. You keep spare computer parts around the house. 61. Your neighbor ticked you off once and his next phone bill was for $20,000. 62. You've won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running. 63. When asked for your phone number, you give it in hex. 64. You are strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down. 65. You get HBO on your PC at work. 66. You mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez!" 95 times during the movie "The Net." 67. You have ever said, "Let's see you use that Visa now!" 68. You have seen the movie "TRON". 69. Your bookmark takes 15 mins to scroll from top to bottom. 70. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. 71. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search. 72. You refuse to go to a vacations spot w/no electricity and no phone lines. 73. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cell modem and a laptop. 74. You spend half of the plane trip w/your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment. 75. All your daydreaming is preoccupied w/getting a faster connection to the net. 76. And even your night dreams are in HTML. 77. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor. 78. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 79. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before. 80. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. 81. All of your friends have an @ in their names. 82. When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. 83. You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos. 84. You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem. 85. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. 86. You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore. 87. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. 88. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. 89. You don't know the sex of 3 of your closest friends because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. 90. You miss more than 5 meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee. 91. You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public rest rooms. 92. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. 93. You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html. 94. You actually just now tried that 123.elm.street address. 95. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job. 96. You buy a captain Kirk chair w/a built-in keyboard and mouse. 97. Your wife makes a new rule: "the computer cannot come to bed." 98. You are so familiar w/the WWW that you find the search engines useless. 99. You get a tattoo that says "this body best viewed w/ Netscape 3.2 or higher." 100. You never have to deal w/busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off. 101. You ask the plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer w/a toilet. 102. You forget what year it is. 103. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 104. You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain. 105. You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind... the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net." 106. You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200hrs per month "unlimited." 108. You turn on your computer and turn off your wife. 109. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. 110. As your car crashes through the guard-rail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

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LAWYERS THE BRASS RAT A man walks into an antique store, and starts looking around. All of a sudden he spots a huge brass rat in the corner. He's interested in it, so he brings it to the cashier. "The rat, eh?" says the old, gray-haired cashier. "Um, yeah... how much?" replies the customer. "Well, fifty bucks for the rat!" the cashier replied. "I'll take the rat." the customer says. He leaves the store, his precious brass rat tucked under his arm. Soon he begins to notice that a few rats are following him. He walks a few more blocks and the number of rats behind him increases. This continues until there are virtually millions of rats behind him. Afraid of the rats following him, the man runs to the river and throws the brass rat in. All of the rats plunge in after it and meet their watery deaths. The man runs back to the antique store. "Hey!", he said, "Do you have any brass lawyers!?" TERRORISTS A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at a hotel where there was a lawyer convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour. THE FLOOD A lawyer and a businessman were lounging on the beach in Florida. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the businessman. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood. My insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?" LAWYER QUICKIES Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start! Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer? A: Take your foot off his head. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt? A: The bucket. Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his behind. Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances. Q. Where can you find a good lawyer? A. In the cemetery Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A. A vampire only sucks blood at night. Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt? A: Because deep down, they're really good people. Q: What does a lawyer use for birth-control? A: His personality. THE TRAIN A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world you can find better Vodka, and we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. The Cuban takes a pack of Havana cigars, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars in the world. Nowhere in the world are there better cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it... A COLD WINTER It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. VALENTINES A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ''Love'' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. ''I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" ''But why?'' asks the curious guy. ''I'm a divorce lawyer.", he said.

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PROFESSIONS AMBITION A Father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," he replies. His friend responds, "Strange ambition to have for a career." "Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Thursdays!" BLIND PILOTS A plane full of passengers is waiting at the gate for the crew. Finally, two pilots appear in the doorway. They both are wearing dark glasses. One is tapping his way to the cockpit with a white cane. The other pilot is lead by a guide dog. The passengers are hushed as they watch the two appearently blind pilots enter the cockpit and close the door. The engines start and the plane is backed out of the gate. The plane starts down the runway, gaining speed. The passengers are visibly concerned. The end of the runway is coming up quickly, the airport fence in view! The plane gets closer to the fence, closer, closer! Just before the plane collides with the fence, the passengers let out a horrible scream! Just then, the plane lifts off the ground and gracefully floats up into the sky. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots says to the other blind pilot, "You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too late and we are all going to die!" THE INQUISITION During the Inquisition, there were three victims lined up for the guillotine. The first one was a lawyer. He stuck his head in the hole, they pulled the rope, but the blade didn't fall. Relieved, the attorney pulled his head out, said that they couldn't execute him twice for the same crime, and ran away free. The second victim was a rabbi. He too put his head in the hole, they pulled on the rope, but the blade didn't fall. He exclaimed, "I have been saved by God!" They had to let him go, too. The third victim was an engineer. He stuck his head in the hole and looked up at the blade. Just before they pulled the rope, he said, "Hey, I see what the problem is. Let me fix it for you." THE CHINESE WAITER A man decides to have some Chinese food. He walks into a Chinese restaurant and is seated by a Chinese waiter. The waiter asks, "You have dlink first?" The man decides to have a vodka. So he replies, "Give me a Stoli." The waiter says, "Once upon time, thlee rittle pigs build house ..." YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF ... 1. at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burned out bulb in the string of Christmas lights 2. choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or to spend the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma 3. everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck gazing at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room 4. in college, you thought Spring Break was metal failure 5. the Salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions 6. you are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling 7. you bought your wife a new CD ROM drive for her birthday 8. you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie 9. you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting 10. you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel 11. you go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects 12. you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances 13. you have more friends on the internet than in real life 14. you know what http:// stands for 15. you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys 16. you see a good design and still have to change it 17. you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring 18. you still own a slide rule and you know how to use it 19. you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep 20. you window shop at Radio Shack 21. you're both in the backseat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite 22. your laptop computer costs more than your car 23. your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work 24. you've already calculated how much you make per second 25. you've tried to repair a $5 radio 26. you have no life - and you can prove it mathematically 27. you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division 28. you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator 29. it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer 30. you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function 31. you have a pet named after a scientist 32. you laugh at jokes about mathematicians 33. you can translate English into Binary 34. you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab 35. you are completely addicted to caffeine 36. you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe 37. you consider ANY non-science course easy 38. when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe THE DOCTOR'S TOILET A doctor stayed home from work one day because his toilet was clogged and he couldn't get a plumber to make a housecall at any other time. The plumber finally arrived several hours late. He spent about 15 minutes clearing the blockage in the toilet, and then he told the doctor, "That'll be $150, please." The doctor began to shout, "Are you out of your mind!? I am a doctor, and even I don't make $150 in 15 minutes!" But the plumber explained, "I know how it is, doc. I used to be a doctor too, but I had to switch professions so I could start making some decent money!" DOCTOR'S BLUNDER Two Doctors were meeting in a bar after their day. One of them said to the other, "I have made a terrible mistake. I sent the wrong medicine to one of my patients!" The other Doctor exclaimed, "That's terrible!" The first doctor says, "No kidding, that medicine will cure him in about two days!"

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